“A baby is never a mistake. A surprise sometimes, but never a mistake.”
The last few days have been tough for me. Being on bed rest is rough enough but being emotionally drained is something else. Here a little background of the last year of my life.
Earlier this year (January) God told me that I would get pregnant and it was to save my life. I didn’t really understand what He meant but after a few months of not being pregnant I dismissed it. June rolls around and guess what — I’m pregnant! Shocking right? I know!
Once I found out I was pregnant I started to really think about what God meant by the baby would save my life. In July of 2014 my cousin passed away from cancer. It was sudden and very traumatic for me for several reasons.
I went through a deep depression, not sleeping or eating, poor work performance, crying all the time, not properly caring for my children, Irritable, withdrawn, short-tempered etcetera — all of which were out of my character.
I decided to resume therapy after leaders from church made me … by made me, I mean keeping me accountable and following up until I made an appointment.
Therapy with a long-term therapist turned out to be a disaster. He judged me and advised that I leave my husband because of some previous marital issues! Weird right?? I know. Anyway, imagine how I felt. I’m depressed and my therapist of 5 years (off and on) decides to judge me. After I told him that I was reluctant to share my feelings due to potential judgment from others he judges me! I was too through!
No more counseling for me.
Of course wise counsel advised me to keep trying until I found a suitable match for me. God sent me one I was grateful! I went into that appointment like look … I was judged before and I will quit in a second if I so much as even feel a breath of judgment from you. She’s been a godsend and very helpful during my healing journey.
With all that background (which is a drop in the bucket, more will be told in due time) I wanted to share my testimony from all that pain, drama, unforgiveness, depression, etc.
This season has been tough for me without a doubt, and tough is an understatement. This pregnancy has been hard as ever — constant pain, contractions, hospital visits, gestational diabetes, hormone shots, the list could continue.
As I reflected on my original question on thanksgiving, what did God mean by this baby will save my life? It was a gift that would help me to make better choices and slowly come out of my depression. This baby saved my life many times: when I felt hopeless and suicidal on the side of the road crying, when I saw the joy and excitement in my children’s eyes, and when I felt him move inside me.
Those moments although great, only lasted for a short time. My next encounter with pain or sickness quickly left me hopeless again. God not only gave me dreams and visions, but He used family and friends to speak into my life — to come clean my house, cook dinner, babysit, organize, help my husband and/or my mom assemble furniture. God showered me with His love and showed me what He meant in 2 Corinthians 2:9 My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
It was in my struggle and fear of early delivery that God showed himself mightily through. I’ve learned a ton during this process. I know as believers we like to think that we are exempt from struggles, pains, disappointment etc — not biblical. God used and continues to use this season in my life to bring Him glory.
After this long post, I want to encourage you to seek God consistently during storms. I know its hard, but start small, listen to one worship song, read one scripture, cry out “Lord Help,” whatever you have too. God hears His children. Ask Him for help you see the lesson in your experience.
During one of my “why me?” sessions God reminded me that trials help us grow — and that seasons are temporary. My pregnancy has an estimated end date, and whatever your battling now has an end date. The end is not nearly as important as the lesson to be learned. What you don’t want to do is prolong the journey due to un-teachable heart.
Always look for the positive in every situation … I’m a work in progress in this endurance race. I often think of the words of Paul in Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
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